I think I'll wear my heart on my sleeve
'cause I'm tired of not being able to breathe
all of us are searching for an open arm
well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark
- Blindside
Confusion
The nest morning dawned with solemn splendor. Ginny woke up refreshed and alert, even though she had slept for a mere three hours. Mindful of the sleeping girls around her, she crept to the window seat in her bedroom to watch the sky. The milky fog that surrounded the castle shrouded the sun’s light, leaving a residue of pinks and soft yellows. When the heat from the wintry sun evaporated the mist, she gasped at the clear blue sky. The scenery looked cold and bright, it’s colors contrasting sharply with each other.
Eventually, the other girls did rise from their slumber. Ginny showered and dressed with cheerful abandon, forgetting all that had transpired the previous night. As she clambered excitedly down the steps from the girls’ dormitory, she even beamed at Harry and Ron before flying through the portrait hole. At breakfast, she watched the Slytherin table with anticipation. Draco was still trying to push Pansy away from him, but he never looked up at Ginny. Blaise, on the other hand, was gazing at her so intensely that Ginny dropped her gaze with a heated flush. She continued her meal and tried not to think of Blaise’s soft kiss on her forehead. His lips where so soft and his breath on her skin, even if it had only touched her temple, sent warmth throughout her body. But this warmth was pleasant, not passionate. Blaise’s kiss felt like a mere token of appreciation rather than a promise of something more.
Ginny suddenly lost her appetite when a thought struck her. Did Blaise want something more? He had never said anything about it, but he had been such a gentleman to her. After all, he had noticed her quietness and lonely ways when she was a first year. If her parents and brothers, who loved her more than she could comprehend, never noticed, then…? Did Blaise love her? Ginny’s eyes widened with disbelief as she played with her food on her plate. That was ridiculous! He had only known here for a month or so – there was no way in hell that he could feel that strongly about her. Ginny timidly raised her eyes to the Slytherin table and found Blaise’s eyes still trained on her.
Ginny shivered with nervousness and dropped her eyes again. That gaze of his was very… intense, to put it mildly. So, what would she do if Blaise did love her? Ginny smiled ruefully as she told herself that the logical answer to that was: did she love him? No, she most certainly did not feel that intensely about him. Well, did she like him enough to fall in love with him later? Ginny was not so sure about her answer to that question. Blaise was her best friend – actually, from the way Draco was acting lately, he was her only friend. Was she willing to risk her friendship with him and go further than that?
Ginny’s head was whirling with questions as she waited at the doorway for Blaise. Draco and Pansy passed by her arm-in-arm. When Pansy saw Ginny, she nudged Draco and whispered something into his ear. Draco turned and looked at Ginny with a cold, bored expression and continued on his way. Ginny sighed inwardly, still confused if she was to blame for Draco’s current behavior. Ginny was so engrossed in her musings that she yelped with surprise when Blaise slid his arm around her waist. She looked up at him and smiled shyly, but was terrified by the possessiveness and desire that she saw in his eyes.
Helplessly, Ginny scrambled for something to say. Finally, she settled for, “Well, let’s go then!” in a bravely cheerful tone.
They strolled down to the carriages together and found that Draco and Pansy had saved them some room in their carriage. Ginny sat between Draco and Blaise while Pansy sat on the other side of Draco. Their conversation was stilted and uncomfortably formal. Blaise had Ginny’s hand in his lap and was stroking it softly and absentmindedly. Although his light touch tickled her, Ginny was more disturbed by the fact that Draco’s thigh and arm were in direct contact with hers. Blaise’s presence was comforting but Draco was so warm that he felt like fire. Every point of her skin that touched Draco sent tendrils of adrenaline throughout the rest of her body. When Ginny shivered from this effect, Blaise looked at her with a sweet smile. He was probably mistaking her shivers as a reaction to his gentle caresses on her hand.
When the carriage finally arrived at Hogsmeade, Ginny stumbled out as fast as she could. She was very disturbed by the insinuations (consciously and unconsciously made) from both boys. It did not help matters when Blaise immediately tucked her arm under his own and kept it there firmly.
“So, Ginevra,” Blaise began with a sweet smile, “Where shall we begin?”
“I’m out of quills and parchment, as well as a few other supplies,” Ginny said vaguely. If she had to enter every store in Hogsmeade to get her arm away from Blaise’s clutches, then she would do so.
Ginny did look through every store in Hogsmeade. The aisles and displays usually prevented them from walking together side-by-side in the stores, so she was able to roam them with Blaise hot on her heels. She realized that she didn’t mind his company as much while they were engaged in friendly banter without physical contact. But Blaise did not understand this fact, and still insisted on escorting her to every store with her arm through his.
After they exhausted all of the stores in Hogsmeade, Blaise escorted her to the Three Broomsticks. Ginny searched for seats while Blaise place an order for two butterbeers with Madame Rosmerta. She found an empty booth and slid onto one of the plush seats. She immediately scooted over so that she was practically hanging off of the seat into the aisle next to the booth. By doing so, she hoped to force Blaise into sitting opposite her rather than next to her. Ginny breathed a sigh of relief when Blaise gave her a strange look and proceeded to sit opposite her.
“Ginevra?” Blaise asked with a raised eyebrow. “Are you all right?”
“Perfectly fine, thanks!” Ginny replied cheerfully as she subtly moved to the middle of the cushioned seat.
Blaise still looked at her skeptically, but shrugged and starting discussing plans for Halloween and Christmas holidays. Ginny just nodded at various points, acting as though she were interested in what he was saying. In reality, she was daydreaming about two days ago, when she saw the lake in all its beauty. But her memories were not focused on the lake – instead, she was imagining Draco’s arms her. She could still feel his warm body, the hard muscles of his chest against her cheek, the slow and peaceful beating of his heart…
When Ginny felt a smile tugging at the corners of her lips, she immediately flushed with embarrassment. Blaise was droning on about his childhood and thought that the color on her cheeks were from amusement. Ginny made a few well-placed nods and comments, and then allowed her mind to wander again. Why did she only daydream about Draco, but never about Blaise? The dark-haired blue-eyed boy seated in front of her was her friend. She couldn’t deny that he was handsome; Blaise was very good-looking in a dark, mysterious sort of way. He was obviously interested in her feelings and thoughts, instead of just sex. So why didn’t she feel anything for him?
Instead, she was constantly thinking about enigmatic gray eyes that looked like molten silver for one minute and cool, metallic chips the next. She could only remember his distinctive scent of leather. Every time she smelled it, she thought of him; but, if Ginny ever smelled the fresh scent of air after rainfall, she never thought of Blaise. Ginny picked up her mug of butterbeer for a sip and wondered idly if she was falling in love with Draco.
When she realized that she was seriously considering that thought, Ginny sputtered and slammed the mug back on the table with a look of horror. Blaise stared at her and asked, “Ginevra? Are you all right?” Ginny was staring off into space, clearly not paying attention to him. Her hand gripped the mug handle so tightly that her knuckles were white. All of the blood seemed to drain from her face.
“Oh shit,” Ginny whispered as she realized the truth of what she was thinking. She was falling for Draco. There was no conceivable explanation for why she was falling for him; she just was.
“Ginevra?” Blaise asked concernedly. As though on cue, Draco and Pansy entered the Three Broomsticks. Draco’s arm was wrapped around Pansy’s waist. His hair was slightly mussed, his shirt was rumpled, and Ginny could have sworn that she saw a lipstick smear on his neck. He glanced around the pub looking for a table, when his eyes fell on Ginny. Ginny still had a horrified look on her face as she stared right back at him. Seeing that he had her full attention, Draco pulled Pansy to him and kissed her soundly. Instead of closing his eyes to enjoy the kiss, Draco still stared at Ginny. Ginny swallowed a lump in her throat, and looked at the table angrily.
At this point, Blaise was so worried that he had risen out of his seat and sat next to her. He wrapped an arm around Ginny’s shoulders and whispered, “Tell me what’s wrong, Ginevra.” She was startled when she felt his touch, and looked up at him in surprise. Her eyes met his and she could see concern, laughter, and something that looked like desire in his. Draco had given her that same look when she met them in front of the painting of fruit the other night…
Before she could think of the consequences, she grabbed his chin with her hand and kissed him fiercely. She put all of her desire, frustration, longing and memories of Draco into that kiss. She soon broke contact to catch her breath, and found Blaise watching her with astonished and admiring eyes.
“Ginevra?” he whispered, “What was that about?”
Ginny looked at her hands, which were wrapped around her butterbeer, and said awkwardly, “Well, what did it look like, Blaise?”
He looked at her skeptically, as though he didn’t believe his eyes. He slid his hand into Ginny’s hair, pulled her face towards his, and whispered seductively, “It looked like the most beautiful woman in the world was kissing me.” Ginny gave a tentative grin at his compliment, but he silenced her with a kiss of his own.
This kiss was gentler than their first, so Ginny found herself drawing closer to Blaise and wrapping her arm around his waist. Blaise responded with a sigh and licked her lips. Ginny opened her mouth in surprise and he took advantage of her movement to let his tongue slide into her mouth. After caressing her tongue with his, he ran it lightly over her teeth; she moaned softly and pressed her hands tightly against his back. They slowly ended the kiss a few minutes later, breathless as they gazed into each other’s eyes. Ginny’s brown eyes were a little shocked, but they softened when she saw the happiness and love that was evident in Blaise’s.
They slowly withdrew their hands from each other and sat there silently. Ginny flushed with embarrassment but Blaise smiled broadly and said, “I wasn’t lying when I said you were beautiful. But after a good snogging session,” he winked, “you look even better.”
Ginny turned redder and bowed her head in complete embarrassment. Blaise lifted her face to his and whispered, “Well, Ginevra? There’s no ‘just mates’ now, is there?” She shook her head, still mesmerized by the look in his eyes. If only Draco looked at her like that…
“Do you want to be my girlfriend?” he whispered.
Ginny paused and pretended to contemplate his question. Inwardly, she groaned and sighed in defeat. No matter how much she wished it, Draco would never look at her that way. He was a Malfoy and she had obviously upset him in some way. Hell, he even had to give a fake excuse to his parents to be her friend. So, if he ever did love her, she could never expect him to state it out loud. But here was Blaise, the epitome of the perfect boyfriend. He was handsome, charming, compassionate, and he loved her. Instead of giving her dirty looks for no reason at all, Blaise would cherish her and protect her in any way he could. True, she was not in love with Blaise, but he was infinitely more comforting than the cold and confusing Draco Malfoy. It also felt nice to be wanted after years of almost neglect.
Her decision made, Ginny turned to Blaise and simply whispered, “Yes.”
The smile that lit Blaise’s face was so genuine and sweet that Ginny didn’t have the heart to resent her decision. He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her again. This time, they broke apart abruptly when someone nearby cleared their throat impatiently. Both Ginny and Blaise looked up to find Draco watching them with a sneer. “So sorry to interrupt,” he said sarcastically, “but the carriages are leaving.” With that, he twirled around and stalked out of the Three Broomsticks.
Ginny watched sadly as he left. She wanted to hit herself for being such a fool and falling for a Malfoy, but she couldn’t help it. She didn’t even know him that well, but she knew that was practically in love with the git.
The ride back was another uncomfortable affair. Blaise sat in between Ginny and Draco and wrapped his arm tightly around her. Pansy was still chattering away, but she sounded unusually excited. Blaise was happily informing Ginny of the Quidditch match that would take place next week. Draco and Ginny were strangely silent and carefully avoided looking at each other.
The wind from the passing carriage swept her hair behind her as she looked out upon the scenery flying by. Sweet Merlin, what had she done? Everyone in school already thought she was a tease for not picking one of boys to go out with. Now that she had picked Blaise, she felt even worse. What had possessed her to say “Yes”? And Blaise was obviously besotted with her – how would she endure those evenings with him in empty classrooms? With a weary sigh, Ginny stepped onto the ground when the carriage pulled to a halt before the school.
As they entered the Great Hall for dinner, Blaise made a point of kissing Ginny lightly on the lips before he went to the Slytherin table. Ginny stood there and watched him in a daze, unaware that the entire hall had seen them kiss. She stumbled as Draco and Pansy roughly brushed past her towards the Slytherin table. Shaking herself out of her reverie, she made her way to the Gryffindor table and sat down quietly. Harry and Hermione were openly staring at her, while a red-faced Ron continued to ignore her. Ginny wanted to continue her dazed musings, but she forced herself to eat a few bites of food.
When Ginny was finished with her dinner, she waited at the doorway for Blaise. Blaise immediately tucked her arm under his and escorted her out of the hall. Ginny noticed that he did not wait for Draco, but refused to mention it.
Noticing her silence, Blaise looked down at Ginny and said, “Come on, Ginevra. Let’s go to the Astronomy Tower.” Ginny looked at him apprehensively when he said those words, but he ignored her and continued to walk towards the tower. He held her hand while they climbed the steps together, as though he were dragging her to her doom. Ginny followed him quietly and refused to complain about his fast pace.
Ginny shivered when they reached the top of the tower. The night was cold and clear, and the stars shone brightly in the sky. She could see the lake in the distance, it’s silvery ripples gleaming in the moonlight. Looking at the lake reminded her of that day when she and Draco had stood on the shore. The rumble of his voice from his diaphragm, the feel of his hand rubbing against her arm, the smell of new leather…
“Blaise,” she whispered, forcing her thoughts away from Draco. “Bit chilly, isn’t it?”
Blaise gestured, indicating that he wanted her to draw nearer, and Ginny stepped forward readily. With a flourish, he embraced her tightly and wrapped his cloak around both of them. Ginny immediately warmed to his embrace, enjoying the sensations that coursed through her as he rubbed her back in gently circles. Blaise mistook her shivers for cold, so he pulled her even closer to him.
They stood like that for a few minutes, both gazing at the lake. Ginny rubbed Blaise’s back comfortingly while he ran his fingers through her hair absentmindedly. He finally broke the silence with a whispered, “I’ve loved you ever since that train ride.”
Ginny looked up at him in surprise. He was still looking at the lake, but his eyes were glazed and he was grinning as he remembered that day. “You were so beautiful with your fiery hair and quick temper. I remember wondering how you could be loyal to your family and friends when they never acknowledged your existence.”
She thought about that for a minute, and replied, “Well, they’re still family. Ron may be a sniveling little git, and the rest of them may ignore me, but I still love them. Anyway,” she continued, “it’s not like they didn’t ‘acknowledge my existence’; they just never thought that I had deeper feelings.”
Blaise looked down at her with a confused expression. She sighed and explained, “I do play the part of a sweet, innocent girl well, don’t I?” He grinned mischievously and nodded. “Everyone in my family wears their hearts on their sleeves. I used to do that too, but… after Tom…” she trailed off into silence.
He gripped her shoulder and pushed her away slightly so that he could look her in the eyes. “Ginevra,” he began urgently, “I’m not like him. I have the dark hair and blue eyes but I’m not him. You can tell me everything and trust me completely. I’ll never hurt you like he did.”
Ginny nodded at him mutely and embraced him tightly. He sighed softy and continued to stroke her hair. As she stood there in his embrace, Ginny’s heart raced. She had been so tempted to tell him about Draco. How could she betray him like that when she had agreed to be his girlfriend?
Notes:
1) YES, this is a D/G fic. But we're not even halfway through this thing yet, so just be a little patient. Scratch that, be VERY patient - it's going to take a while.
2) NO, this is not smut. So what if I like to describe kissing?! I find it a beautiful way of expressing love. Also, if you've got a problem with it, then I have a piece of advice for you: don't knock something until you've tried it.
3) I'm sorry about the haphazard updates. I originally posted this only on ff.net, so i've been trying to catch you guys up to where I stopped there. Right now, you've read all that i've written so far. I'm working on Chapter 8 right now, so it should be out in a few days. Oh yeah, I'm also getting this published on thedarkarts.org. HINT HINT - this story isn't going to be candy-coated fun. There's lots of angst and heartbreak coming up. But it's still D/G, so it's worth it, right?
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