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To Follow a Flagnort by Girl With a Pearl Earring
To Follow a Flagnort by Girl With a Pearl Earring
Author's Notes:
An older story trying my hand at that uniquely hilarious humor so common in Good Omens or Hitchhiker's Guide. Not my best, but I think it's good for a laugh or two.

Disclaimer: I don’t own any characters or places you might recognize. I also don’t own Wrackspurts or Nargles. Everything else is mine.
Ginny Weasley was hard at work minding her own business. And by that, I don’t mean she was working hard at something and also minding her own business, but that she was trying very hard to mind her own business. She was having a difficult time of it. There were various reasons for her distraction from her own business (which, at the moment, involved a long History of Magic essay, an equally long, but somewhat trickier, Transfiguration essay, and a broken quill she was desperately trying to use).

Her first distraction involved Ron Weasley, her lovely brother. In fact, he was almost anything but lovely, but Ginny liked sarcasm. He was kissing... well, making out... well, actually he looked like he was trying to eat Lavender Brown’s face. Lavender, for some very odd reason that Ginny would never understand, was allowing him to and seemed as though she would keep allowing it for much longer than Ginny wanted to witness.

Her second distraction came in the form of Hermione Granger, resident know-it-all of Hogwarts. Now, normally Hermione would never dream about disrupting anyone’s concentration when it came to homework, but she was reasonably and understandably distracted as well. She kept muttering under her breath, shooting death glares at Ron and Lavender, and stabbing at her parchment as if it had done her some great personal wrong, which was rather unfortunate for Ginny, seeing as she was working at the same table as Hermione. Every time Hermione poked particularly hard at her paper, the entire table would shake, thereby causing Ginny’s already broken quill to snap and Ginny would have to begin the long process of sharpening it to perfection all over again. Then, when she had finally gotten it in writable condition, she would set the quill on the parchment, write a few words, the table would wobble under Hermione’s wrath, and the quill would snap again.

Her third distraction (and by far, the worst) came in the form of a Flagnort. Now, perhaps you are wondering just what a Flagnort is. I honestly have no idea. Luna Lovegood, however, would probably know exactly what a Flagnort is, as well as where to find one, what it looks like, and what its favorite dessert is. Therefore, let us now journey across the library (which is where Ginny was diligently attempting to mind her own business) and find this valuable person.

Luna was standing in the Invisibility section of the library. She wasn’t trying to find a book, like most people would in a library, but was simply standing in the aisle looking out into the main study section. Nobody could see her (because, if you may remember, she was in the Invisibility section) so nobody was wondering what she was doing and therefore she wasn’t distracting anyone. Now, if somebody could have seen her, they would have been wondering (either vaguely or fervently, depending on the person) what in the world she was doing, such as I am doing at this very moment. Since Luna doesn’t seem at all inclined to start speaking her motives to the air and it would be very difficult to understand what she was doing just by looking at her, let us therefore delve into the intricate and somewhat terrifying mind of Luna Lovegood.

Luna was standing in the Invisibility section for a few reasons. The first and most important reason was that she was trying to catch a Wrackspurt. As the most obsessed readers may remember, a Wrackspurt is an invisible creature that zooms around in the air and occasionally wanders in through a person’s ear, making their brain go fuzzy or, in more scientific terms, causes the person’s frontal lobe to become somewhat disoriented which can lead to a dreamlike trance and, in some severe cases, unconsciousness. Anyway, Luna had a reason for standing in the invisibility section while trying to catch a Wrackspurt. If a Wrackspurt is invisible, it would make sense that in order to catch one, a person must also be invisible and therefore be on the same level as the Wrackspurt. That was Luna’s reasoning, anyway.

The second, and somewhat more insignificant, reason for Luna to be in the invisibility section was simply because she had never been there before and was wondering what it felt like to be invisible. It didn’t feel any different.

Now let us bring our attention back to Ginny Weasley, who is about to discover just what a Flagnort is firsthand. Ginny was getting very tired of sharpening and re-sharpening her quill, and was also getting very annoyed by the strange squelching noises coming from Ron and Lavender. Just when she was about to admit defeat and go back to the Gryffindor Common room, something happened that she did not expect in the least. She felt a sharp tap on the top of her head, which caused her to fall forward and break her quill for the fifty-seventh time in an hour. Completely fed up with quills, essays, and life in general, she dumped all of her things into her bag and looked up to see what had tapped her on the head.

A strange bird-like thing was hovering over her head, flapping its wings slowly and looking at her with its beady eyes. It had no feathers, but looked almost reptilian in form, rough and scaly. It looked like somebody had dumped all the different colors of the Wizarding color wheel (which, of course, has many more colors than the Muggle color wheel) all over its body. Actually, I should say it was a blend of all these colors because if somebody really had dumped all the colors of the Wizarding color wheel on it, then it would appear black because that’s what happens when you mix all the colors. It was a Flagnort.

Of course, Ginny didn’t know that at the time; she simply knew that there was a strange bird-like creature following her everywhere she went and it would simply not leave her alone. Every few minutes the Flagnort would swoop down very quickly, tap her on the head sharply with its beak, caw loudly in her ear, and swoop back up to its former position.

After a few minutes of this, with Ginny’s head becoming quite sore and her temper climbing quite high, she pulled out her wand and was about to curse the creature into the void when Luna, who had not been successful in her Wrackspurt hunt, came to her rescue.

“You shouldn’t do that,” said Luna. Ginny stared at her. “They’re very temperamental, you know,” continued Luna. “I don’t think it would like it if you hexed it. It wouldn’t work, anyway.”

“Why not?” asked Ginny. “What is this thing, anyway?”

“It wouldn’t work because they only go away when you follow their directions. It’s a Flagnort.” Just then, the Flagnort decided that Ginny needed another peck on the head. It screeched in her ear and went back to hovering quietly over her again.

“Do you mind explaining what, exactly, it wants me to do?” asked Ginny in what she thought was a very polite voice, considering the circumstances. Her head was still rather sore, after all.

Luna stared at the Flagnort for a long time. The Flagnort stared at Ginny and tried to poke her a few more times but Ginny was getting much better at dodging its attacks so it only managed to get her once. Finally, just when Ginny was going to give the whole thing up and just go to Madam Pomfrey, Luna stirred.

“I think it says it will leave you alone when you kill Dean Thomas.”

Ginny stared. A couple of second years passing by them in the hall stopped and stared. Rowena Ravenclaw stared (which was really something, because she was dead). Even the Flagnort stopped circling Ginny’s head and stared. Luna laughed.

“Oh, whoops,” she said. “Sorry. It actually says that it will leave you alone when you kiss Draco Malfoy.” One of the second years fainted. Ginny was privately thinking that Luna had finally reached the point of insanity where no human contact could help her anymore.

“That’s nice, Luna,” she said and promptly turned around and headed for the Hospital Wing. Luna shrugged and followed Ginny, glad she was taking the news so well.

Madam Pomfrey took one look at Ginny, Flagnort still circling like some absurd vulture, and said, “No. Sorry, dear, but I can’t help you. I just sent the last one to Professor Dumbledore and he was as stumped as I was. He says it will probably leave in a few hours though.” And with that, Ginny found herself shoved back out of the Hospital Wing, without even a chance to ask who ‘the last one’ was that Madam Pomfrey had tried to cure. She stood there for several minutes, wondering what on earth she was supposed to do now, when Luna came ambling up to her, humming happily.

“Not found him yet?” she asked. Ginny thought it best to ignore her and instead began walking back the way she had come. Luna did a very military about face (she had just read a book about various marching techniques used in the army and was anxious to see if she could do any of them) and marched after Ginny, still humming softly.

Ginny was about to enter the Gryffindor Common room, resolutely ignoring the fact that there was a Flagnort hovering above her, when the Flagnort in question began to attack her rather violently, letting out various high-pitched screeches and caws. Ginny covered her head with her hands and tried to escape through the portrait hole, but the Flagnort swooped in front of her and drove her back the way she had come.

“Okay, okay, I’m going,” muttered Ginny, racing around the corner ahead of the Flagnort. Just as she rounded the corner, she smashed into Luna and they both fell over.

Luna brushed back her long hair and looked at Ginny in mild surprise. “I thought you were going to find Draco Malfoy?” she asked.

“Why would I want to do that?” asked Ginny rather calmly despite her current situation.

“Because,” said Luna in surprise, “the only way you can get the Flagnort to go away is to kiss him.” When Ginny didn’t respond, but only sat there wondering what the sane population was doing now, Luna said, “Don’t you want to get rid of the Flagnort?”

“Yes,” said Ginny. “But if that involves ‘kiss’ and ‘Draco Malfoy’ in the same sentence, then I think I’ll just have to get used to it.”

“It doesn’t have to be in the same sentence,” explained Luna. Ginny simply stared at her. Luna elaborated. “Instead of saying ‘I have to kiss Draco Malfoy’ you could say ‘I have to kiss a boy. That boy’s name is Draco Malfoy’.”

“Well that helps,” said Ginny. She was thinking of sarcasm again. Luna didn’t notice.

“Good,” said Luna happily, standing up and pulling Ginny to her feet. “Let’s go find him.” She started down the hall but had only gotten a few inches away when Ginny stopped her.

“Luna,” she said, trying very hard not to think or speak sarcastically because it would probably only confuse her. Luna never understood sarcasm. “I’m not going to go find him.”

“Oh, okay,” said Luna. “But why do you want the Flagnort following you around? They can get kind of annoying after a while, I would think.”

Ginny tried very hard not to roll her eyes and contented herself with sighing dramatically. “I would rather be followed around by a Flagnort for the rest of eternity than have to kiss Malfoy.”

“Well, you probably won’t have to wait that long,” said Luna reasonably. “Flagnorts usually only stay with one person for five years, sometimes ten.”

“Great,” said Ginny. Luna failed again to notice the sarcasm.

After a few minutes with no more forthcoming Flagnort information, Ginny asked, “Are you sure they stay for five years?”

“Oh yes,” answered Luna. “I think the record for the longest Flagnort visit is fifteen years. But yes, usually only five or ten.”

Ginny sighed, trying to form a rational thought in a world that seemed as though it had been plunged into Luna’s bizarre mind. “Luna, why exactly does the Flagnort want me to kiss Malfoy?”

“Well, I don’t know,” said Luna. “Flagnorts have no usual pattern for choosing people, but it’s said that if you follow a Flagnort’s directions, it will always bring you to something good.”

“How can kissing Malfoy be good?” asked Ginny, in something close to exasperation. It was actually more a mixture of despair and annoyance. Luna just shrugged.

“Fine, fine,” muttered Ginny. “But you better be right Luna. If I kiss him and it turns out that’s not what the Flagnort wanted at all, you owe me.” Luna seemed very unconcerned with this statement and merely drifted down the corridor a few feet, looking back at Ginny expectantly. Ginny sighed deeply, hoisted her bag higher on her shoulder, gritted her teeth (in short, everything one does to prepare for something both horrible and gruesome), and followed Luna down the hall.

Now let us pull our attention away from Ginny Weasley and Luna Lovegood, and instead follow the path of the other part in this tale, Draco Malfoy. Draco had been having a very good day so far. Slytherin had pulled twenty points ahead of all the other houses, Quidditch practice had been quite rewarding, and to top it all off, he had next to no homework. Indeed that day would have been one of the rare few that he actually enjoyed during the school year if it hadn’t been for the fact that there was currently a strange bird-like reptilian creature following him around and pecking him hard on the head every few steps.

Of course, he had already been to the Hospital Wing, but that had been quite unproductive. Madam Pomfrey had been at a loss to explain why her best healing spells and potions didn’t work on the peck marks in his scalp. She had sent him to Dumbledore, who had absolutely no idea what to make of it and jovially assumed the creature would disappear in a few hours’ time as quickly as it had come. It was all Draco could do not to hex the both of them into oblivion but that probably wouldn’t go down too well so he contented himself with attempting to curse the creature flying over him but it had had no effect other than to increase the number of sharp pecks to an almost unbearable number.

Finally completely fed up with the turn his day had taken, he ducked under another of the creature’s attacks and bolted down the corridor, trying to get away from the wretched thing. This tactic worked quite well until he reached the fourth floor, rounded a corner, and smashed headlong into another person, which promptly caused both of them to fall to the ground.

Luna watched in mild amusement and surprise as Draco Malfoy flew around the corner and slammed into Ginny, sending them both flying to the ground. As Ginny stumbled up, mumbling apologies and gathering her books back into her bag, she had the great misfortune to glance at the person she had bumped into, which caused her ears and cheeks to flush a bright red. Luna assumed it was the Polykingles getting to her. After all, it was right around sunset.

“Do you mind getting out of my way, Weasley?” he sneered. “I’ve got this ridiculous bird thing trying to kill me, so the last thing I need right now is to deal with you.”

Ginny flushed even more and seemed about to make an angry retort, when she stopped and said, “You have one too?” Draco obviously thought she had gone quite mad, because he gave her the look that most people reserved for Luna.

“Excuse me?” he asked. Luna thought that was rather polite for him. Perhaps Ginny’s Flagnort had a valid point. To answer his question, Ginny simply pointed overhead where two Flagnorts were circling. They seemed quite happy now that their separate charges had finally found one another.

“Luna, are you really sure about this?” asked Ginny, looking at Luna desperately. Luna simply watched the Flagnorts for a moment before nodding and smiling at Ginny reassuringly. Instead of feeling reassured, Ginny simply felt nauseous. Not wanting to get hexed into the next century (or the past century, depending upon the power of the hex) she quickly explained to Malfoy what Luna had said about the Flagnorts. His reaction was almost exactly like hers had been. He stared at her. Then he stared at Luna. Then he stared at the Flagnorts. Then he kissed her. It was rather quick and before Ginny could quite comprehend what had happened, his lips were on hers. And then they were gone. It was the kind of kiss that is usually best used when you kiss your parents goodnight. More out of habit than anything else.

As soon as they realized what had happened, they jumped away from each other, both rather pale. The Flagnorts immediately dive bombed them, shrieking loudly and looking murderous.

“Luna, what’s going on?” Ginny called over the Flagnorts’ screeching. Luna simply looked deep in thought, as she observed Ginny and Draco ducking again and again from the Flagnorts’ repeated attacks.

“They say that wasn’t a kiss,” Luna called back.

“What?” Draco screamed as he dodged another assault. “Of course it was! Didn’t they see it?”

“They say it was more of a peck,” Luna answered. “They say it has to be a real kiss.”

As soon as Luna’s message had gotten through, the Flagnorts stopped their air assault and hovered over the scene, watching Draco and Ginny closely.

“Why?” asked Ginny desperately. “Wasn’t that enough?”

Luna shrugged. “I guess not.”

“Well it’s not going to happen,” said Ginny, trying to retreat. “I’ll just spend the next five years with this thing, thanks.” As she turned away, someone grabbed her arm and spun her around into their embrace. Her last intelligible thought before Draco Malfoy’s lips descended onto hers was that she had never seen such a beautiful sunset before. From there on out, her mind was a blur. Well, not just a blur, but more like something that has already been blurred and was then thrust into a space time continuum vortex. She had never felt this sensation before. It was incredible and terrifying and comforting and awe-inspiring, all at the same time. Therefore, it was quite understandable that it took her several moments to realize why exactly her mind was reeling so much she could barely think. When she realized that it was because she was kissing Draco Malfoy, it took a few more moments before the thought really sunk in and by that time he had released her and was simply staring at her with wide eyes. Then, as they both realized what they were doing at the exact same time, they jumped apart as if on fire and stared at each other from a distance. Luna thought they looked surprised and almost a little scared, which was very close to the reality. Luna was good at understanding people when they weren’t being sarcastic.

The Flagnorts let out two unearthly beautiful cries, zoomed toward each other, performed a vastly complicated flight pattern around one another (which had probably taken a few days to get right), and vanished into thin air. Actually the air was relatively thick, what with the heat from the sunset and the heat of embarrassment radiating off Draco and Ginny, but nobody says vanished into thick air so for the sake of sanity, I’ll just use the normal expression.

Anyway, as soon as they were gone, Ginny made a mad dash for her bag, not even bothering to pick up some books she had dropped, and sprinted down the hall in the direction of the Gryffindor dorms, exceptionally red around the ears. Draco simply stood staring after her for a moment, before retrieving his bag (albeit with a bit more grace), picking up the books Ginny had dropped, and starting after her with a thoughtful expression on his face. Luna stood watching the spectacle unfold, smiling serenely. As soon as Draco was out of sight, she turned and walked away in the direction of the Ravenclaw dorms, wondering if there was a Flagnort in her future.

Now we must journey into the future, dear readers, about three days later when Luna Lovegood was just sitting down in the library to begin her homework. She had just started her essay, correcting Professor Sprout’s obviously narrow-minded view that fluxweed was the only type of plant used in Transfiguration potions (there had just been three new species discovered in Corsica that were all noted for their Transfiguration properties), when Draco Malfoy sat down opposite her and said (rather politely, Luna thought), “Hello Lovegood.”

“Hello Draco,” said Luna, looking up at him attentively. He never spoke to her without good reason, so she wanted to pay full attention so that she wouldn’t miss anything just in case he started using sarcasm.

“I wanted to thank you for an interesting new development in my life,” he said.

“You’re welcome,” said Luna. She didn’t think he was being sarcastic, or so she hoped.

After she just looked at him for a few minutes, he said, “Aren’t you going to ask what you’ve done?”

“I thought you were going to explain.”

He tried not to roll his eyes and failed. “Thanks to you and your strange communication powers with unknown creatures, I am now dating Weasley.”

Luna thought that was a bit strange. Why was Draco dating Ginny’s brother? When she asked him as much, he turned a strange green color that Luna assumed was because of some stray Nargles wandering the castle, it being so close to Christmas.

“No, you—” he cut himself off, shaking his head. “I’m dating Ginny Weasley.”

“Oh, that’s nice,” said Luna. “I’m glad I could help.”

Draco considered saying exactly where she should go find some help for herself but refrained upon the entrance of the aforementioned Weasley.

“Hello Luna, Draco,” she said cheerfully, sliding into the seat next to Draco. “I wanted to thank you, Luna, for your help with the whole Flagnort affair. I guess you were right about them.”

“You’re welcome,” said Luna. Upon noticing Draco holding Ginny’s hand, she asked curiously, “Are you guys going to Hogsmeade together?”

“Probably,” answered Ginny. Then, completely ignoring Draco’s frantic attempts to shut her up, she asked, “Would you like to come?”

And for the first time in her life, Luna spent the day in Hogsmeade with friends. Draco and Ginny, naturally, were not the perfect couple; they had disagreements, spats, and even full out rows. They always managed to sort it out though (eventually) and over time grew to love one another. And just imagine, if it hadn’t been for two Flagnorts and a very bizarre but intelligent girl, they would have continued their whole lives hating each other, calling each other nasty names, and even insulting their families. So next time a Flagnort decides to give you a call, don’t let it pass you by. Follow it.


This story archived at http://www.dracoandginny.com/viewstory.php?sid=6411