Something to Believe
Chapter Eight: Secrets
---
After bathing and dressing, they met in the parlor. It was just after lunchtime, but neither had an appetite. The room had been cold, so Ginny asked Draco to light the fireplace. Now its orange and red lights danced around the room.
Ginny settled herself on the sofa, feet curled underneath her, wrapping a blanket around her shoulders. Draco stood at the window, peering up and down the street. He shut the curtains and turned slowly to face her. When he did, she saw that the oranges and reds of the fire made him look very haunted. His face was the usual mask of blankness. He wore it so often.
"I received my Mark on July 31 -"
"That's Harry's birthday..." Ginny didn't know why she said it. He smiled at her, bitterly. He sat heavily into an armchair by the fire.
"How appropriate, then," he muttered, darkly, unrolling his sleeve to glare at the Dark Mark. "It was unavoidable. My father was a loyal supporter in the last war. It was a matter of pride for his only son to join the cause. So it was in my upbringing. It was in my blood."
He slowly pulled down the sleeve, and leaned forward. His head was turned to the fireplace, so she couldn't make out his face.
"I was made to believe that it was what I wanted. All I wanted," he continued. "Mudbloods - muggles - halfbloods, they are all inferior to us. We are pureblood. We are special. Magic is in our blood, our souls. It was something so special that those...that muggles couldn't even begin to imagine the powers we have." He relaxed and leaned back into the armchair, resting his hands on his knees. Ginny stayed silent, watching him carefully.
"These were the things I was taught. And I believed them. I still...I still...I just...I don't know what to believe anymore." He looked very confused for a moment, his eyebrow furrowed and he bit his lower lip. Ginny decided it was time to guide the conversation.
"So you got the Mark?"
"It was my Aunt Bella who really forced the issue. She convinced the Dark Lord that despite my age, I was worthy of his Mark," he said, "It was horrible. The pain was unbelievable. It was really at that moment, the moment that the Dark Lord was searing my skin to draw the Mark that I knew it all wasn't worth it. It was right then that I knew I did not want the Mark."
His eyes lazily rose to look at her.
"As part of my induction, and as part of a punishment for my father's errors," he pursed his lips a moment before continuing, "I was given a task."
"To kill Albus Dumbledore?" Ginny felt tears prickling her eyes at the thought of the Headmaster.
"Kill him or my life was forfeit. And worse, he was threatening my family. My father..." his voice broke a little, but he continued, "My father was in Azkaban, safer than he could ever know. But my poor mother. She was all alone and the Dark Lord threatened to hurt her or kill her, if I didn't perform the task."
"And this was a surprise to you? That's how Voldemort works. Cruel and vindictive," Ginny scoffed. Draco glared at her, his face hardening a little. He sighed and turned his gaze back to the fireplace.
"My mother kept begging to me to find some way out. To run away."
"So why didn't you?" she asked, a little harshly. He looked at her, looking like a lost little boy, reminding her of the first morning she found him sitting at the kitchen table.
"I don't know."
---
"I knew I couldn't do it. I knew it. So I had this idea. If I couldn't do it - I'd help bring in those who could."
"Death Eaters. Into Hogwarts. Do you have any idea how dangerous that was? Innocent children -"
"Shut up! I know that now. I didn't realize there'd be such chaos! I just wanted them to come in and finish my task and be done with it. At that point, I couldn't care about anything but my mother. And stop interrupting me!" He looked furious. His mask was gone and he looked furious. She snapped her mouth shut and nodded.
"You can't apparate onto Hogwarts grounds. There were sure to be guards at all the entrances. Turned out to be Aurors. I even considered the lake, if you remember the Durmstrang ship. And then I remembered something."
"What?" she eyed him, warily.
"There was this cabinet at Hogwarts, everyone called it a 'vanishing cabinet' because you put something inside, and it disappeared. Someone, undoubtedly Potter, managed to shove Montague in there one year. He turned up ages later, in a toilet."
"What does that have to do with -"
"I remembered that I'd seen an identical piece at...a shop in London. I did a bit of research and found out they were a set. You put something in one cabinet, it appeared magically in the other."
"But you said that Montague was found in a toilet, not the set piece."
"Yes. The 'vanishing cabinet' was broken. And I needed to fix it. If I could fix it - it'd be the only way to get Death Eaters in."
Ginny watched his eyes. They were dancing with enthusiasm, excitement. He was so proud of himself, that'd he'd managed to figure this all out on his own.
"And I got the instructions to repair it. Took me all bloody year, working like a house-elf, but I managed it. I did it. I fixed it and they came. I'd made all the preparations, too. I bought some of that Peruvian Darkness powder from your brothers' shop. They have that secret catalogue of war goods. Lucky I got my hands on that catalogue, eh?"
Ginny glared at him. Someone certainly needed to have a word with the twins, she thought.
"And I had this lamp, the Hand of Glory. It would only shine light for the owner. My father bought it for me ages ago. I used to it to guide us through the Darkness."
"So what about Katie. And Ron? Wasn't that you? Weren't those your attempts at the Headmaster?" Draco winced visibly. He suddenly looked very ashamed of himself. He quickly hid it behind his blank mask.
"Yes. I don't know...I didn't know what I was doing. I suppose they were rather weak-hearted attempts. I spent most of the year repairing that stupid cabinet. I was hoping that if I managed to bring other Death Eaters into the castle, they could do it, they could do it in my place. One of them might have been able to kill Dumbledore. I don't know."
Ginny had listened as he explained how he'd isolated himself, trying to figure out harmless ways to show that he was making an effort. How he avoided Snape, because he knew that the Potions Master wanted to help with his task. How he'd used Madame Rosmerta. How he felt like it was happening, without his control. Like he was a marionette. He was helpless. His life and the lives of his parents were all at stake.
"The Headmaster...Dumbledore was a man who'd shown me nothing but kindness. He was so powerful and brilliant. And loony. Everyone respected him. Everyone feared him. Even the Dark Lord. And I, the hapless Draco Malfoy, was supposed to defeat him? Kill him? Simply on a command?"
He stood and start to pace again. He paused to put another log in the fireplace. He stayed knelt beside the fire and watched the flames a moment. Ginny sat forward, entraced.
"That night on the tower. I had him alone. He was lying against the wall, looking so old and so fragile. I'd cast a spell and his wand was lost. And I stood there, staring at him. The only one the Dark Lord feared. The only one who could possibly defeat the Dark Lord. He was at my feet. And I just stood there, hesitating. I don't know...I don't know what I was waiting for." Ginny strained forward to hear his words. He was barely whispering.
"He told me that I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't kill him. He knew I couldn't do it. I couldn't -" His voice broke and he lowered his head. She watched his back as he raised a hand to his face.
"I was standing over him, my wand pointed at his heart, and he wanted to discuss my options. And he said that the Dark Lord couldn't kill me if I was already dead. He was offering to hide me. Even my mother and eventually even my father. And for a while, I stood there hesitating and thinking. I was about to lower my wand and surrender to him when the door banged open. The Death Eaters finally reached the ramparts. And then I just froze. I just froze..."
---
After several long minutes, she watched him slowly stir. He stood up and turned to face her. Her eyes opened in shock as she watched him unbutton his shirt.
"What are you -" Her words died out when the white dress shirt was pushed back to his shoulders. She looked at the milky expanse of his chest. It was marred by a large pink scar. It was long and vicious. She stared at it in horror. Had Harry done this to him? With a shaky breath, she meet his eyes.
"I was in the loo. Minding my own business," he said, quietly, a little lost in thought. He touched the lower end of the scar gently and said, "Harry fucking Potter comes in and before you know it, both our wands are out, hexes flying. Instead of fighting fair, he used some spell I'd never heard of - and before I knew it I was on my back, bleeding to death. I don't know what happened after that, I woke up in the Hospital Wing with Madame Pomfrey fretting over me."
"He-he t-told us about it..." Her eyes went back to his scar. "He said you were crying." He was slowly pulling his shirt back on. His long fingers started to button it up.
"Bet he couldn't wait to brag about how he nearly killed Draco Malf -"
"He didn't brag about it. In fact, he regretted it, it was a mistake!"
"It was a mistake," he taunted, using that falsetto voice again. She narrowed her eyes.
"It was the first spell that came to his mind. And by the sound of it, you were about to perform an illegal curse on him - "
He looked at her carefully. He laughed that cold, bitter laugh again.
"You're right. Absolutely right. I am the dangerous one. I was about to cast the Cruciatus, when he did it to me."
She glared at him.
"But you see. There is a subtle difference, Ginevra. I wanted to hurt him. And he tried to kill me." Her glare softened as she thought about that. Harry had tried to kill Draco. But it was all a mistake.
"So then, why would Harry vouch for you? After all that?"
He looked away immediately, pacing the room again.
"You should ask Potter."
---
"So what about this Oath?"
"What about it?"
"Well, what is it?"
"It's a lot like the Unbreakable Vow, ever heard of that?" She shook her head. "That's when you make a vow to someone, a promise between two people, that cannot be broken - under penalty of death."
"So you've made a promise, like that?"
"No. Well, kind of. I swore an Oath of Allegience."
He was refusing to meet her eyes.
"So...what's that, then?"
He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, clearly frustrated. Ginny rolled her eyes and waited.
"You swear an oath - not quite a promise - but it tells where your loyalties lie."
"And your loyalties lie with the Order, I suppose."
"They do now."
"So this...Oath...does it override your Mark?"
"What? Of course. I mean, I made the Oath after, right?"
"So what if you made another Oath after the first and pledged yourself back to-"
"It doesn't work that way, Weasley! I've made the Oath - I can't back out or change my mind," he glared at his hands. And in an undertone, almost a whisper, he added, "And I couldn't swear it to the Order, exactly. The Order is sort of abstract. Over time, I had to try and focus it on a person. It doesn't matter who, as long as they oppose the Dark Lord."
"Harry, then?"
"Potter's an idiot," he scoffed, waving his hand airily.
"Oh. Well, then McGonagall? She's -"
"Hardly. I'd have sworn allegience to Dumbledore, but..."
"Yeah... Then who?"
His eyes flew to her face. She blushed at the intensity. Suddenly, the image of Draco slaving over ancient Potions texts came to her mind. She looked away.
---
"And this potion?"
"Thanks to Granger," he scowled as he said this, "I have a notion of what Potter is doing. This will help guide my research. I'm working on a potion now, it'll take a few days to prepare, and even then - I'm not sure..."
"Thank you, Draco." She leaned forward and tentatively put her hand over his. His hand was cold and his fingers were trembling. She pulled back her hand slowly and sat back. He watched her closely a moment before standing.
"It's late."
"That means you're done with me. Done sharing secrets?"
"Oh, no. Never," he smirked, watching her rise from the sofa. "I'll be needing your help with the potion soon enough. Til then, you can continue...knitting." A look of disgust crossed his face that made Ginny grin.
Chapter Eight: Secrets
---
After bathing and dressing, they met in the parlor. It was just after lunchtime, but neither had an appetite. The room had been cold, so Ginny asked Draco to light the fireplace. Now its orange and red lights danced around the room.
Ginny settled herself on the sofa, feet curled underneath her, wrapping a blanket around her shoulders. Draco stood at the window, peering up and down the street. He shut the curtains and turned slowly to face her. When he did, she saw that the oranges and reds of the fire made him look very haunted. His face was the usual mask of blankness. He wore it so often.
"I received my Mark on July 31 -"
"That's Harry's birthday..." Ginny didn't know why she said it. He smiled at her, bitterly. He sat heavily into an armchair by the fire.
"How appropriate, then," he muttered, darkly, unrolling his sleeve to glare at the Dark Mark. "It was unavoidable. My father was a loyal supporter in the last war. It was a matter of pride for his only son to join the cause. So it was in my upbringing. It was in my blood."
He slowly pulled down the sleeve, and leaned forward. His head was turned to the fireplace, so she couldn't make out his face.
"I was made to believe that it was what I wanted. All I wanted," he continued. "Mudbloods - muggles - halfbloods, they are all inferior to us. We are pureblood. We are special. Magic is in our blood, our souls. It was something so special that those...that muggles couldn't even begin to imagine the powers we have." He relaxed and leaned back into the armchair, resting his hands on his knees. Ginny stayed silent, watching him carefully.
"These were the things I was taught. And I believed them. I still...I still...I just...I don't know what to believe anymore." He looked very confused for a moment, his eyebrow furrowed and he bit his lower lip. Ginny decided it was time to guide the conversation.
"So you got the Mark?"
"It was my Aunt Bella who really forced the issue. She convinced the Dark Lord that despite my age, I was worthy of his Mark," he said, "It was horrible. The pain was unbelievable. It was really at that moment, the moment that the Dark Lord was searing my skin to draw the Mark that I knew it all wasn't worth it. It was right then that I knew I did not want the Mark."
His eyes lazily rose to look at her.
"As part of my induction, and as part of a punishment for my father's errors," he pursed his lips a moment before continuing, "I was given a task."
"To kill Albus Dumbledore?" Ginny felt tears prickling her eyes at the thought of the Headmaster.
"Kill him or my life was forfeit. And worse, he was threatening my family. My father..." his voice broke a little, but he continued, "My father was in Azkaban, safer than he could ever know. But my poor mother. She was all alone and the Dark Lord threatened to hurt her or kill her, if I didn't perform the task."
"And this was a surprise to you? That's how Voldemort works. Cruel and vindictive," Ginny scoffed. Draco glared at her, his face hardening a little. He sighed and turned his gaze back to the fireplace.
"My mother kept begging to me to find some way out. To run away."
"So why didn't you?" she asked, a little harshly. He looked at her, looking like a lost little boy, reminding her of the first morning she found him sitting at the kitchen table.
"I don't know."
---
"I knew I couldn't do it. I knew it. So I had this idea. If I couldn't do it - I'd help bring in those who could."
"Death Eaters. Into Hogwarts. Do you have any idea how dangerous that was? Innocent children -"
"Shut up! I know that now. I didn't realize there'd be such chaos! I just wanted them to come in and finish my task and be done with it. At that point, I couldn't care about anything but my mother. And stop interrupting me!" He looked furious. His mask was gone and he looked furious. She snapped her mouth shut and nodded.
"You can't apparate onto Hogwarts grounds. There were sure to be guards at all the entrances. Turned out to be Aurors. I even considered the lake, if you remember the Durmstrang ship. And then I remembered something."
"What?" she eyed him, warily.
"There was this cabinet at Hogwarts, everyone called it a 'vanishing cabinet' because you put something inside, and it disappeared. Someone, undoubtedly Potter, managed to shove Montague in there one year. He turned up ages later, in a toilet."
"What does that have to do with -"
"I remembered that I'd seen an identical piece at...a shop in London. I did a bit of research and found out they were a set. You put something in one cabinet, it appeared magically in the other."
"But you said that Montague was found in a toilet, not the set piece."
"Yes. The 'vanishing cabinet' was broken. And I needed to fix it. If I could fix it - it'd be the only way to get Death Eaters in."
Ginny watched his eyes. They were dancing with enthusiasm, excitement. He was so proud of himself, that'd he'd managed to figure this all out on his own.
"And I got the instructions to repair it. Took me all bloody year, working like a house-elf, but I managed it. I did it. I fixed it and they came. I'd made all the preparations, too. I bought some of that Peruvian Darkness powder from your brothers' shop. They have that secret catalogue of war goods. Lucky I got my hands on that catalogue, eh?"
Ginny glared at him. Someone certainly needed to have a word with the twins, she thought.
"And I had this lamp, the Hand of Glory. It would only shine light for the owner. My father bought it for me ages ago. I used to it to guide us through the Darkness."
"So what about Katie. And Ron? Wasn't that you? Weren't those your attempts at the Headmaster?" Draco winced visibly. He suddenly looked very ashamed of himself. He quickly hid it behind his blank mask.
"Yes. I don't know...I didn't know what I was doing. I suppose they were rather weak-hearted attempts. I spent most of the year repairing that stupid cabinet. I was hoping that if I managed to bring other Death Eaters into the castle, they could do it, they could do it in my place. One of them might have been able to kill Dumbledore. I don't know."
Ginny had listened as he explained how he'd isolated himself, trying to figure out harmless ways to show that he was making an effort. How he avoided Snape, because he knew that the Potions Master wanted to help with his task. How he'd used Madame Rosmerta. How he felt like it was happening, without his control. Like he was a marionette. He was helpless. His life and the lives of his parents were all at stake.
"The Headmaster...Dumbledore was a man who'd shown me nothing but kindness. He was so powerful and brilliant. And loony. Everyone respected him. Everyone feared him. Even the Dark Lord. And I, the hapless Draco Malfoy, was supposed to defeat him? Kill him? Simply on a command?"
He stood and start to pace again. He paused to put another log in the fireplace. He stayed knelt beside the fire and watched the flames a moment. Ginny sat forward, entraced.
"That night on the tower. I had him alone. He was lying against the wall, looking so old and so fragile. I'd cast a spell and his wand was lost. And I stood there, staring at him. The only one the Dark Lord feared. The only one who could possibly defeat the Dark Lord. He was at my feet. And I just stood there, hesitating. I don't know...I don't know what I was waiting for." Ginny strained forward to hear his words. He was barely whispering.
"He told me that I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't kill him. He knew I couldn't do it. I couldn't -" His voice broke and he lowered his head. She watched his back as he raised a hand to his face.
"I was standing over him, my wand pointed at his heart, and he wanted to discuss my options. And he said that the Dark Lord couldn't kill me if I was already dead. He was offering to hide me. Even my mother and eventually even my father. And for a while, I stood there hesitating and thinking. I was about to lower my wand and surrender to him when the door banged open. The Death Eaters finally reached the ramparts. And then I just froze. I just froze..."
---
After several long minutes, she watched him slowly stir. He stood up and turned to face her. Her eyes opened in shock as she watched him unbutton his shirt.
"What are you -" Her words died out when the white dress shirt was pushed back to his shoulders. She looked at the milky expanse of his chest. It was marred by a large pink scar. It was long and vicious. She stared at it in horror. Had Harry done this to him? With a shaky breath, she meet his eyes.
"I was in the loo. Minding my own business," he said, quietly, a little lost in thought. He touched the lower end of the scar gently and said, "Harry fucking Potter comes in and before you know it, both our wands are out, hexes flying. Instead of fighting fair, he used some spell I'd never heard of - and before I knew it I was on my back, bleeding to death. I don't know what happened after that, I woke up in the Hospital Wing with Madame Pomfrey fretting over me."
"He-he t-told us about it..." Her eyes went back to his scar. "He said you were crying." He was slowly pulling his shirt back on. His long fingers started to button it up.
"Bet he couldn't wait to brag about how he nearly killed Draco Malf -"
"He didn't brag about it. In fact, he regretted it, it was a mistake!"
"It was a mistake," he taunted, using that falsetto voice again. She narrowed her eyes.
"It was the first spell that came to his mind. And by the sound of it, you were about to perform an illegal curse on him - "
He looked at her carefully. He laughed that cold, bitter laugh again.
"You're right. Absolutely right. I am the dangerous one. I was about to cast the Cruciatus, when he did it to me."
She glared at him.
"But you see. There is a subtle difference, Ginevra. I wanted to hurt him. And he tried to kill me." Her glare softened as she thought about that. Harry had tried to kill Draco. But it was all a mistake.
"So then, why would Harry vouch for you? After all that?"
He looked away immediately, pacing the room again.
"You should ask Potter."
---
"So what about this Oath?"
"What about it?"
"Well, what is it?"
"It's a lot like the Unbreakable Vow, ever heard of that?" She shook her head. "That's when you make a vow to someone, a promise between two people, that cannot be broken - under penalty of death."
"So you've made a promise, like that?"
"No. Well, kind of. I swore an Oath of Allegience."
He was refusing to meet her eyes.
"So...what's that, then?"
He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, clearly frustrated. Ginny rolled her eyes and waited.
"You swear an oath - not quite a promise - but it tells where your loyalties lie."
"And your loyalties lie with the Order, I suppose."
"They do now."
"So this...Oath...does it override your Mark?"
"What? Of course. I mean, I made the Oath after, right?"
"So what if you made another Oath after the first and pledged yourself back to-"
"It doesn't work that way, Weasley! I've made the Oath - I can't back out or change my mind," he glared at his hands. And in an undertone, almost a whisper, he added, "And I couldn't swear it to the Order, exactly. The Order is sort of abstract. Over time, I had to try and focus it on a person. It doesn't matter who, as long as they oppose the Dark Lord."
"Harry, then?"
"Potter's an idiot," he scoffed, waving his hand airily.
"Oh. Well, then McGonagall? She's -"
"Hardly. I'd have sworn allegience to Dumbledore, but..."
"Yeah... Then who?"
His eyes flew to her face. She blushed at the intensity. Suddenly, the image of Draco slaving over ancient Potions texts came to her mind. She looked away.
---
"And this potion?"
"Thanks to Granger," he scowled as he said this, "I have a notion of what Potter is doing. This will help guide my research. I'm working on a potion now, it'll take a few days to prepare, and even then - I'm not sure..."
"Thank you, Draco." She leaned forward and tentatively put her hand over his. His hand was cold and his fingers were trembling. She pulled back her hand slowly and sat back. He watched her closely a moment before standing.
"It's late."
"That means you're done with me. Done sharing secrets?"
"Oh, no. Never," he smirked, watching her rise from the sofa. "I'll be needing your help with the potion soon enough. Til then, you can continue...knitting." A look of disgust crossed his face that made Ginny grin.
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