There is a smile on my face as I stretch and open my eyes. The bed is warm where my body has heated the sheets. Looking to my right, however, I see the rest of the bed has chilled. I see him, no longer by my side, but rummaging around in his wardrobe. I watch the muscles of his back pull taunt and the faint red lines my nails drew last night still standing out brightly against his pale skin.
He turns around and the love he feels for me is so evident in his eyes that it almost scares me. I once believed Malfoys' weren’t supposed to show emotion so readily. Point of fact, they aren’t. That’s always been Draco’s biggest failure as a Malfoy: he does. He’s far too passionate a man for his own good. Be it hate, love, lust, or revenge, he has always poured his heart and soul into his endeavors. It’s often written plainly on his face. This has always made him an easy target for people like Voldemort, Harry, and even Dumbledore.
There is something else in his stare… sadness. It takes me only a moment to remember that I am getting married today. I am going to marry someone else. Really, it surprises me that he’s bothered to continue this affair in light of the name of my fiancé. He and Harry have always hated one another. I think that was what hurt him more than anything else. He could have managed to understand if I married Neville or Seamus; they meant nothing to him. But Harry – that was nearly unforgivable. Nearly...
I wish I could say that I don’t know why he’s allowed me to stay a part of his life in spite of Harry. I can’t claim ignorance, though. Even though he’s tried so hard to keep it secret from me, I can see it in his eyes. It’s always in his eyes.
I stand up and walk over to him. My cheek rests against his back and I can feel him tense and relax in less than a breath. I almost wish he didn’t love me like that. At least then, this ending would be less painful for him. I had meant to keep him at arms length, but he’s got a rather addictive personality. I never meant to hurt him.
*******************************
Sometimes I forget how I got so wrapped up with him in the first place. Didn’t I realize what a mistake I was making? Didn’t I see how much it could hurt my family and the ones I love if they were to find out about the Slytherin and me? Blood is thicker than water, isn’t it? I couldn’t actually have a real relationship with him, but I think – at least at the beginning – that may have been part of Draco’s allure.
I’ve always done what I was told to do; at least on the surface, I portrayed the perfect daughter. He was my dirty little secret, just as I was his. I learned so much from Fred and George about sneaking around and creatively getting what I wanted. Not to mention, Draco and I were such a far-fetched idea that no one ever once suspected.
Harry began his attempts to woo me, much to the pleasure and excitement of my family, around the middle of my fifth year. Draco and I had been sneaking into empty classrooms and closets for over a year by that time.
Still, how could I refuse Harry’s charm, right? He was Harry Potter, the boy who lived and defeated the Dark Lord. I had loved him since the tender age of eleven.
Suddenly, I was thrust into the spotlight with my brother and Hermione. Harry allowed me into his secret world of danger and excitement and it really was quite thrilling.
Ron caught us once. In the Astronomy Tower that first year I was with Harry. I should have taken that as a sign and ended the twisted affair. Ron had pounced Draco, demanding the release of his sister. He looked so betrayed when I explained I was there of my own free will. I had not promised myself to either Harry or Draco at that time and Ron spent the rest of the year trying to convince me that Harry was the better choice. Of course I already knew that, but his talk made me want to stay stubborn and cling to Draco all the harder. I am thankful, and always will be, that Ron kept my affair with Draco a secret. Of course, he also believed I ended it.
Draco was a steady distraction during the swirling activities of war, so I hadn’t ended it. He was still at Hogwarts during his seventh year and without my brother, Harry, or Hermione’s watchful eyes, I was able to spend more time with him. I could go to him and the world would slip away for a while. We would talk for hours about the decisions we’d both made. He still did horrible things to my friends and I to his, but in the dark of night we would repent those mistakes as best we could.
It was so easy, even once the war was over. He was handsome, charming and charismatic, and he taught me things that made me blush. He was completely addictive.
I didn’t intend for him to fall in love with me. Certainly not! I had always believed that the Malfoy clan was beyond that sort of emotion. That had been part of his appeal. We could have our fun, educate each other, and stay detached. However, Draco robbed me of that illusion – as I’ve mentioned.
Then there was the day I became engaged.
Harry had taken me to Hogsmeade for the day. It was like any other normal date for the two of us until he handed me a Firewhisky. Resting in bottom of the crystal goblet was a beautiful ruby ring. I looked up at him and his nervous emerald eyes waited eagerly for my response. I had never felt so alive.
At first I told myself that now there was a commitment with Harry, it was time to leave Draco to his own. When I didn’t answer Draco’s owls, however, he came to me.
He walked into the little book store I was working in and demanded to speak with me. I acquiesced to his demands and took my lunch an hour early. When we got outside he asked me if the papers were true. I told him they were, for the most part. Yes, Harry and I were engaged. His lips were tight, but all he did was nod once.
“You’ll be at the Manor tomorrow night, usual time?” he asked in his demanding voice.
I looked at him in surprise for a moment. I had expected him to be so angry that he’d agree to cut it off. Some part of me was not ready to let him go either, I suppose. I nodded once and he left. No questions, no fury – nothing.
I knew he was hurt. I did have moments where I would wonder what a future with Draco would be like. It just wasn’t realistic and that was all there was to it. Watching him walk away from me that day, I realized that I had made the right choice in agreeing to marry Harry, but was thankful that I didn’t have to let go of Draco just yet.
I suppose —in some ways— I loved him too.
**************************
I blink at the man standing in front of me, pulling myself from the depths of memory. He hands me a heavy, brown-paper package. It feels like the weight of the world has been handed to me. The choices I’ve made suddenly seem so real.
“You didn’t have to do this, Draco.” I feel guilty for still being here. I shouldn’t have come. I should have stopped coming to him years ago. Pulling up the lid of the box, light hits the silver and glass of a mirror. As I look at it, my image swirls and it starts to play back images of times Draco and I have spent together. My heart beats rapidly as I watch the night I lost my virginity. It feels like ice water has been flushed through my veins.
I watch the image of the two of us making love just last night. Everything I planned to tell him faded from my memory with each tender kiss I watch. It’s over. All the games, all the pretending, have to stop.
“It will continue to add memories and images,” he tells me. I look at him and brush the tears from my eyes. All I can think of is that if I were able to look in this mirror whenever I wanted and see images of what he thinks of me, the things he would do to me, I would never—
I couldn’t keep this. It would be torture to us both. He had to know it was done. I wish somebody could tell me how to tell someone that you don’t love them?
“Thank you, Draco. Really.” I tried to smile, though I doubted it was convincing.
“Well, you had better hurry. Granger will have a fit if you aren’t there on time.” His voice had gotten low and rough. I was waiting for him to either cry or toss me to the bed. “I may not have been able to promise myself to you forever, but –“
No! No! My head was screaming. He was not about to tell me he loved me after seven years of telling me no such thing. I couldn’t break his heart if I heard the words out loud. I slammed my finger against his lips and shushed him. The hurt in his eyes was so great I couldn’t help but say something to pacify him.
“Shhh, I know. I’ll always feel the same.” I could see the longing still in his eyes so I turned and gathered my clothes.
“You’re right, I better hurry.” I dashed into the bathroom and slammed the door. Leaning against it, I let myself cry for a moment. I may not love him, I may not be able to leave my family and devote my life to him, but I did care. I really do care.
I dressed quickly and didn’t bother putting on makeup or anything. My bridesmaids would do that later. All I could think of at the time was getting out of there as fast as I could.
It took me a moment to meet his eyes when he walked me to the front door. I clutched my bag tightly to my chest and looked at him.
“I’ll never forget you, Draco. I’ll never forget this time we’ve shared. Really, I won’t.” I leaned up and placed a kiss against his cheek. “Goodbye, Draco.”
I turned before he could say anything further and hurried down the stone path to the gate. I just wanted to leave as quickly as I could, before he tried to stop me or I lost my resolve. The tears were pooling in my eyes and I didn’t bother to blink them back this time. Let them fall; I did this to myself, after all. I did this to him. I had to end it and I felt guilty for the pain I’ve caused us both. My throat was tight as I looked back at the Manor one last time before Apparating. If Draco had any doubts about what today meant for us, he wouldn’t any longer –
I'd left the mirror lying heavily in the rumpled sheets.
He turns around and the love he feels for me is so evident in his eyes that it almost scares me. I once believed Malfoys' weren’t supposed to show emotion so readily. Point of fact, they aren’t. That’s always been Draco’s biggest failure as a Malfoy: he does. He’s far too passionate a man for his own good. Be it hate, love, lust, or revenge, he has always poured his heart and soul into his endeavors. It’s often written plainly on his face. This has always made him an easy target for people like Voldemort, Harry, and even Dumbledore.
There is something else in his stare… sadness. It takes me only a moment to remember that I am getting married today. I am going to marry someone else. Really, it surprises me that he’s bothered to continue this affair in light of the name of my fiancé. He and Harry have always hated one another. I think that was what hurt him more than anything else. He could have managed to understand if I married Neville or Seamus; they meant nothing to him. But Harry – that was nearly unforgivable. Nearly...
I wish I could say that I don’t know why he’s allowed me to stay a part of his life in spite of Harry. I can’t claim ignorance, though. Even though he’s tried so hard to keep it secret from me, I can see it in his eyes. It’s always in his eyes.
I stand up and walk over to him. My cheek rests against his back and I can feel him tense and relax in less than a breath. I almost wish he didn’t love me like that. At least then, this ending would be less painful for him. I had meant to keep him at arms length, but he’s got a rather addictive personality. I never meant to hurt him.
*******************************
Sometimes I forget how I got so wrapped up with him in the first place. Didn’t I realize what a mistake I was making? Didn’t I see how much it could hurt my family and the ones I love if they were to find out about the Slytherin and me? Blood is thicker than water, isn’t it? I couldn’t actually have a real relationship with him, but I think – at least at the beginning – that may have been part of Draco’s allure.
I’ve always done what I was told to do; at least on the surface, I portrayed the perfect daughter. He was my dirty little secret, just as I was his. I learned so much from Fred and George about sneaking around and creatively getting what I wanted. Not to mention, Draco and I were such a far-fetched idea that no one ever once suspected.
Harry began his attempts to woo me, much to the pleasure and excitement of my family, around the middle of my fifth year. Draco and I had been sneaking into empty classrooms and closets for over a year by that time.
Still, how could I refuse Harry’s charm, right? He was Harry Potter, the boy who lived and defeated the Dark Lord. I had loved him since the tender age of eleven.
Suddenly, I was thrust into the spotlight with my brother and Hermione. Harry allowed me into his secret world of danger and excitement and it really was quite thrilling.
Ron caught us once. In the Astronomy Tower that first year I was with Harry. I should have taken that as a sign and ended the twisted affair. Ron had pounced Draco, demanding the release of his sister. He looked so betrayed when I explained I was there of my own free will. I had not promised myself to either Harry or Draco at that time and Ron spent the rest of the year trying to convince me that Harry was the better choice. Of course I already knew that, but his talk made me want to stay stubborn and cling to Draco all the harder. I am thankful, and always will be, that Ron kept my affair with Draco a secret. Of course, he also believed I ended it.
Draco was a steady distraction during the swirling activities of war, so I hadn’t ended it. He was still at Hogwarts during his seventh year and without my brother, Harry, or Hermione’s watchful eyes, I was able to spend more time with him. I could go to him and the world would slip away for a while. We would talk for hours about the decisions we’d both made. He still did horrible things to my friends and I to his, but in the dark of night we would repent those mistakes as best we could.
It was so easy, even once the war was over. He was handsome, charming and charismatic, and he taught me things that made me blush. He was completely addictive.
I didn’t intend for him to fall in love with me. Certainly not! I had always believed that the Malfoy clan was beyond that sort of emotion. That had been part of his appeal. We could have our fun, educate each other, and stay detached. However, Draco robbed me of that illusion – as I’ve mentioned.
Then there was the day I became engaged.
Harry had taken me to Hogsmeade for the day. It was like any other normal date for the two of us until he handed me a Firewhisky. Resting in bottom of the crystal goblet was a beautiful ruby ring. I looked up at him and his nervous emerald eyes waited eagerly for my response. I had never felt so alive.
At first I told myself that now there was a commitment with Harry, it was time to leave Draco to his own. When I didn’t answer Draco’s owls, however, he came to me.
He walked into the little book store I was working in and demanded to speak with me. I acquiesced to his demands and took my lunch an hour early. When we got outside he asked me if the papers were true. I told him they were, for the most part. Yes, Harry and I were engaged. His lips were tight, but all he did was nod once.
“You’ll be at the Manor tomorrow night, usual time?” he asked in his demanding voice.
I looked at him in surprise for a moment. I had expected him to be so angry that he’d agree to cut it off. Some part of me was not ready to let him go either, I suppose. I nodded once and he left. No questions, no fury – nothing.
I knew he was hurt. I did have moments where I would wonder what a future with Draco would be like. It just wasn’t realistic and that was all there was to it. Watching him walk away from me that day, I realized that I had made the right choice in agreeing to marry Harry, but was thankful that I didn’t have to let go of Draco just yet.
I suppose —in some ways— I loved him too.
**************************
I blink at the man standing in front of me, pulling myself from the depths of memory. He hands me a heavy, brown-paper package. It feels like the weight of the world has been handed to me. The choices I’ve made suddenly seem so real.
“You didn’t have to do this, Draco.” I feel guilty for still being here. I shouldn’t have come. I should have stopped coming to him years ago. Pulling up the lid of the box, light hits the silver and glass of a mirror. As I look at it, my image swirls and it starts to play back images of times Draco and I have spent together. My heart beats rapidly as I watch the night I lost my virginity. It feels like ice water has been flushed through my veins.
I watch the image of the two of us making love just last night. Everything I planned to tell him faded from my memory with each tender kiss I watch. It’s over. All the games, all the pretending, have to stop.
“It will continue to add memories and images,” he tells me. I look at him and brush the tears from my eyes. All I can think of is that if I were able to look in this mirror whenever I wanted and see images of what he thinks of me, the things he would do to me, I would never—
I couldn’t keep this. It would be torture to us both. He had to know it was done. I wish somebody could tell me how to tell someone that you don’t love them?
“Thank you, Draco. Really.” I tried to smile, though I doubted it was convincing.
“Well, you had better hurry. Granger will have a fit if you aren’t there on time.” His voice had gotten low and rough. I was waiting for him to either cry or toss me to the bed. “I may not have been able to promise myself to you forever, but –“
No! No! My head was screaming. He was not about to tell me he loved me after seven years of telling me no such thing. I couldn’t break his heart if I heard the words out loud. I slammed my finger against his lips and shushed him. The hurt in his eyes was so great I couldn’t help but say something to pacify him.
“Shhh, I know. I’ll always feel the same.” I could see the longing still in his eyes so I turned and gathered my clothes.
“You’re right, I better hurry.” I dashed into the bathroom and slammed the door. Leaning against it, I let myself cry for a moment. I may not love him, I may not be able to leave my family and devote my life to him, but I did care. I really do care.
I dressed quickly and didn’t bother putting on makeup or anything. My bridesmaids would do that later. All I could think of at the time was getting out of there as fast as I could.
It took me a moment to meet his eyes when he walked me to the front door. I clutched my bag tightly to my chest and looked at him.
“I’ll never forget you, Draco. I’ll never forget this time we’ve shared. Really, I won’t.” I leaned up and placed a kiss against his cheek. “Goodbye, Draco.”
I turned before he could say anything further and hurried down the stone path to the gate. I just wanted to leave as quickly as I could, before he tried to stop me or I lost my resolve. The tears were pooling in my eyes and I didn’t bother to blink them back this time. Let them fall; I did this to myself, after all. I did this to him. I had to end it and I felt guilty for the pain I’ve caused us both. My throat was tight as I looked back at the Manor one last time before Apparating. If Draco had any doubts about what today meant for us, he wouldn’t any longer –
I'd left the mirror lying heavily in the rumpled sheets.
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