Rainputtle,

I shall say that your idea is original. I like your writing style very much and the characters seem to be well rounded and to have a personality.

However, I urge to ask you go looking for an Italian beta-reader. It was very painful for me going through your story and reading the Italian bits. The first chapters are okay: they're easy sentences and your online translator caught them well (even though we Italians would say “Chi è?” and not “Chi è alla porta?” the “alla porta” bit is implied). But it's not like that here.

A side by that, I think the story is interesting. But I can't feel Rome. I mean: you said actually they are in Rome and added a few words in broken Italian (I'm sorry, but I cannot find any better way to put it. I'm Italian and the mistakes just glared at me scaring me for life), but your characters are not in Rome.

Rome has its own magic, its own feeling, its own atmosphere with the silence, and the red and yellow warm buildings, and the charming cheerful kindness of people, and the wonder of the ancient monuments, the fountains all around, the wonderful shades of the sunsets painting the sky in streaks of violet and pink, the balm-crickets “singing”, the contrast between the green and red of the trees with the grey of the asphalt, and the noisy traffic and angry people complaining when they have silly accidents ;). Sorry for the rambling, but I love my city (and yes, you read well, MY CITY).

I really can't get any of that in your story. Probably the reason is that you never visited my city, but Rome has something more than just hot weather and Italian talking. You can catch it walking through the streets, but if you never came here, you should ask to people who do, or read a lot of books about Rome written by people who live here.

I know, I know. You'll probably argue "but it's fanfiction, I want to have fun." This is true, but I also think any piece of writing must be carefully researched before you start writing. "Write what you know" is one of the thumb rules of writing. I know there are no such things called "rules of writing" but only "guidelines of writing". What I'm saying is of course only my opinion, but I, as a Roman girl, can't see Rome in this piece. And this is a shame, because a good Roman setting would be a nice touch to a Fanfiction about an English series: it would give a different twist to it.

My suggestion would be looking for a roman beta-reader. Someone who can edit the sentences you broke in the chapters and also suggest to you ways to make the reader *feel* the city. Or have a trip here: it’s a bit more expensive and time consuming, but you’d probably love visiting Rome. But if you come here, don’t just wander around looking for monuments: try getting a *feeling* of the city. You can get that only walking calmly through the streets without thinking at anything, deadlines, having to reach a monument over our bloody traffic and buses that never pass and are too filled in for you to enter and such. Have a good walk, look at the city from the panoramas places, and try to get the spirit of the city.

Since I really want to help you, I’ll paste here the correct Italian for the sentences you wrote here in chapter three:

“Buongiorno!” Liam's voice stopped her mutinous thoughts of wondering where Bella kept her wand and where she'd love to stick it. “Una meravigliosa giornata da passare con due donne stupende.” He settled in the seat across from Bella and began filling his plate with food.

Lucy Ann thought she was going to melt into a puddle right there on the spot if he didn't stop speaking in Italian - her wildest fantasy almost come true. It was one thing for him to speak English, but dear Merlin in Avalon, the way the Italian rolled so easily off his tongue. Why, why, why couldn't she have taken Italian instead of French?

“Sembra che oggi farà molto caldo," Bella said, nibbling on grapes. "Sarebbe il giorno perfetto per impigrirsi sotto qualche albero, in un parco.”

He chuckled. “Non oggi, tesoro. Are you finding enough to eat, Goosey?”

"Uh, what? Oh yes," Lucy Ann responded, shaking her head to clear the thoughts of him whispering naughty things to her in Italian. She grabbed another croissant, nearly knocking over the pitcher of orange juice in the process. She could just feel Bella's scathing stare.

He caught the pitcher before it could spill, averting a disaster, and settling back in his chair like nothing happened. "I unfortunately have to go into work this afternoon for a bit. I thought you were coming this evening. I can't get out of it."

"It's all right, not your fault there was a misunderstanding," she said while leveling a dark look at the witch across the table. Bella gave her a slow smile in return.

"Good, that is settled. Bella will keep you company this afternoon. Lo farai, vero tesoro?”

“Si, con piacere.”

That’s it. And this is only for charter three. If you want, I can try being a beta for you and help you understand Rome better, and fix the broken Italian. You’re very welcome contacting me. But please, fix this because it’s holding me from reading your fic.